Thursday, March 12, 2015

Nobody rides for free!

In life, nobody rides for free!
Walking in your road of life you might of realized nobody rides for free.
There is no riding on the coat tails of a famous family members or anything
like of the sort. You earn your way through life for yourself and for others.
Don't fear failure that is what you learn from.
You can't have the good without the bad, because with no bad you
would not know what the good was.

So learning that road you where on is fail you take another ride on another road
and see where that takes you and no one rides for free as you learn and earn
your way there.

~~~~~Everyone Has A HeartBreaking Story, No One Gets A Free Ride
by @ 2:14 pm. Filed under Joe's Rants
The title of this post comes from Brene Brown, a shame and empathy researcher
who gathered thousands of stories from thousands of people.
She makes it clearer for us, after hearing and studying all these stories that
no one rides for free. Everyone you meet has a heartbreaking, sad,
gut wrenching story to tell. No matter if you are the little rich kid from San Diego, CA
or the poor kid in New Haven, CT. There is no free ride.
We all have a story to tell that would break your heart.

I have to say, since moving to CT, I have learned this.
This is one of the richer states in the union and yet it has some of the most blatant
systemic racism, eye opening poverty and some of the saddest stories I have
ever heard from both the rich and the poor. We all have our stories and at the heart
of those stories is our own basic human needs that we are all trying to meet.
The psychologist Glasser in his theory named them as

One of the things that surprises me is just how often we see other people as perfect
or even see them as having little or no problems when in reality, that isn’t the case.
We are all walking around with our own baggage.  The weight and size of the baggage
varies from person to person as one would expect. It doesn’t change the fact, everyone’s
got something they carry with them.  We all have our stories.

Another surprise I find are those who claim to have no story, no baggage and are
quick to tell other what they think is other people’s baggage.
I once experienced a women who could easily paint you a picture of her life being
perfect and explain to you all the things wrong with your life.
Funny enough, that isn’t what I saw when I saw her.  I mostly saw a lonely person,
scared and fighting to own anyone’s story but her own.

I have learned from a few years of doing NVC, conflict management, and mediation
work that not all of us own up to our stories. Brene Brown has certainly given me words
to describe something I have seen for many years listening to people’s “Sides”
of the stories. I notice they want to own the story they believe will pull you to their
side rather than the story that is really their’s.  This of course doesn’t happen all the time
and still, it does happen often enough for me to think to myself, “Stop telling me what
you think I want to hear, and tell me the story that is really your’s”

I have been thinking, like everyone does at this time of year, about my new year,
2011 and what I want for me as a person.   I guess every year for the past decade
I have picked things about who I am and who I want to be and tried to work on them.
I think in this coming year, I want to work on really owning my story and as Brene Brown
says, “living life wholeheartedly” and authentically as I can. I think this mean not saying yes
to things I don’t really want to do. It means not worrying about being perfect,
looking perfect, saying perfect things or worrying if I am good enough.
This also means caring less about what people “think” of me, especially those who
don’t really know me, which I add is many people.

I plan to make the next year another one of those years where I continue to grow.
I have spent the past few years working on being compassionate to others, even if I
don’t like them. I worked on being patient, being empathetic, being mindful.
This year I would like to start advocating that same compassion in how i treat myself.
I plan on owning my story and being content with it.

~~~~~How Mistakes Can Set You Free
“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. 
You may have a fresh start any moment you choose for this thing we call 
‘failure’ is not the falling down but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford

Well, the little blue line was undeniable, and the circumstances unforgettable.
It was Black Friday 2007, after a full day of work during which my nausea rendered
me so useless that my coworkers insisted I buy a pregnancy test on my way home.

And there was a line. But no spouse. No ring. No house. Just a freshly-issued
Master’s Degree and the gamut of emotions that come with an unexpected pregnancy.
Surprisingly, I felt excited to be a mother. But I feared what others would think.
I was not convinced I could manage on my own. And I questioned how this choice
would impact my child for the rest of his life.

Two potential life paths loomed in my mind’s eye, possibilities for my future after
this momentous event: Path A projected a life of pain and struggle, feeling ostracized
from society and working tirelessly to make ends meet while my child fended for
himself and fell in with the wrong crowd as a substitute for his overwhelmed and
unavailable mother.

Path B presented the option of a life where “mistakes” are blessings, and my son and
I could grow close together with the support of a village of loving friends and family while I
focused on our bond and our health, using all of the resources available to me and constantly
bettering our lives. Clearly, “Path A” came from a place of fear and shame.
Until this event, I didn’t make mistakes. I was always the one who was steadfast and
predictable, cautious and planned.
So this rocked my world. Thankfully.

Because that vision of Path A had haunted me and inhibited me for my entire life, in
different ways. Path A was always the worst-case scenario of what might happen if I
veered off the beaten path, whether intentionally or by “mistake.” The possibility of Path
A prevented me from actually living my life.

I was so paralyzed by the fear of that path that I couldn’t even take a step.

Until I stumbled.
And found that I could still keep going. That stumble was life-changing, but it was not

In fact, one might even argue that my life began with that stumble.
It helped me realize that mistakes are manageable and often very valuable.
It helped me realize that my worst fears (i.e.: an unexpected pregnancy) might come true,
but that they may not always be as dreadful as I had imagined.
It helped me realize that a life-changing mistake may actually be a surprise blessing.
It’s easier now for me to take risks.

It’s easier now to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, as Thoreau implored.
Because I know now that if I stumble, I can re-orient myself and move in 
another direction, if need be.
It’s all about attitude and adaptability. It’s about faith. It’s about owning your mistakes and
using them to your advantage.

I believe firmly that there is freedom in the stumble.
Life feels so open without the paralyzing fear of messing up.
And if you could have even a taste of that freedom, it would open your
life up to endless possibilities.
  • What would you do differently if you knew you could handle a mistake?
  • How would you live if you transformed your fears into enthusiasm?
  • What if fear of failure is actually the biggest mistake in life?
Don’t just stand there. Take the first step. And proceed with the confidence of
knowing that if you stumble, you can just brush yourself off, re-orient yourself,
and keep moving in a new direction.

~~~~~Speaking of which: Now there's my third book; another goddamn memoir.
If shit would quit happening to me, I’d quit writing memoirs.)
This one is aptly titled Can’t You Get Along With Anyone? 
A Writer’s Memoir and a Tale of a Lost Surfer's Paradise,
and in it I take my need to know everything to my personal end of the line,
nearly paying the ultimate price when my inner dreads surface with a vengeance.
(Truman Capote had it right: what seemed paradise is mere scenery, a curtain that, 
lifting, reveals pitchforks and fire.)

THE IMPASSABLE BARRIER: Even if you attain realization of the emptiness
of persons and things, this does not measure up to the way of Zen.
Even if you embody complete function and complete perception,
this is still not the essential wonder of Zen.
You must break through the impassable barrier and
get to know the opening beyond.

Don't give up you will get there, kind of like in a instant, it will hit you!

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