Sunday, December 7, 2014

Spaghetti and fried Bumblebees

Although I worked in hotels and a country club once out of the many
jobs and life experiences I had. I have never worked in a restaurant.

Both places have something like the saying "what happens in the hotel
stays in the hotel" in different ways but sometimes there is too much to say.

Still you want to protect your workplaces interest.
Like in the 90's sometime when I worked in a country club.
The boss warned me about the rich old ladies "Shagging the waiters."
"Be aware if a rich old lady wants to take you to Jamaica"
Funny and even the Beavis and Butthead in me thought
about getting a job there but really, NO!
He said if it happens keep it there, not at work!

Many of the workers would know you are hooked up
with a lady. They would like see the two looking at each other a lot.
But what you do together is the part of
"what happens in the hotel stays in the hotel" They don't care.
And won't blah, blah about it. They know it's like their business
and its kept there. Like in the 90's many workers all over knew
I was in love with a Angie Dickinson lookalike my boss.
Even a banquet manager told me "she misses you,
you need to come back to work there." So I did!
So the point was if we did something together it stayed there not at work.
If it happens keep it there, not at work!
But they all know and won't say anything.
Never got to Jamaica but at least I know!

And that is the point Banquet servers, waiters and waitresses know!
And you need to know to make life better for everyone!

~~~~6 restaurant secrets only servers know
Like it or not, waiters and waitresses wield tremendous power over your life,
from determining your seating position on a hot date to making you wait extra-long
for a check on a terrible Tinder date. They also know secrets. Lots of secrets.
About your food. About your style. About your libido. And unless you've
spent time serving food and drinks to the unknowing, you'll never be in on
the wealth of knowledge floating around the restaurant... until now.
We consulted servers from across the nation to spill their dirty secrets
about your favorite restaurants.

Next time you're lambasting your waiter about your order, remember
that they know more than you think.

Your order wasn't screwed up because of a clerical error
"We've all been drinking. Period."

It's very, very obvious that you're on a first date
"Ordering for that girl with the shifty eyes, who keeps looking at her phone,
was your first misstep, but rest assured you've given most of the staff a giggle."

Your wandering eye is not subtle
"We know you’re looking over the menu at our racks, and we will exploit your
perviness by flirting for tips."

If you don't like your drink, you might be a hero
"Sorry you mistook a Manhattan for a Cosmo, but don't be surprised if your
order is messed up again after you send it back mainly because we just
quaffed the drink you rejected, and we’re still thirsty.”

Your service animal is a big, furry lie
"We know your service animal is just a pet. You're not fooling anyone.
We're just paid to be nice and are hoping you'll tip more if it
poops on the floor."

You can totally score with the bartender
"If you've been giving him eyes, he's probably
already asked us about you."

Complaining won't cause someone to spit in your food
"Nobody does that. They just make fun of you.
And maybe burn your steak a little."

Your server knows whether you're going to get laid
"Your date isn't wearing underwear.
That's why we keep dropping stuff on the floor."

Your problems are just a waiting game
"The manager doesn't really care about your problem.
She's just waiting to see how little she has to comp you."

A ramekin is not some mythical beast of yore
"No matter how many episodes of Chopped you've watched,
you have no idea what a ramekin is. Hint: that order of ranch
you forgot to ask for until after your order came out is sitting in it."

Rudeness and cultural differences are very different things
"Europeans can come off as very rude sometimes, but they’re
just used to grabbing servers by the belt when they need a Splenda."

Your frugality is not appreciated
"If you've ever ordered just a water with lemon, you have
been hated by at least one person."

Your clever cheap-skating is not clever
"No, you can’t substitute a T-bone for your fries."

~~~~16 ways you're making your waiter/waitress hate you
Fact: people in restaurants can be terrible, and being terrible can seriously
piss off the people who touch your food and drinks.
These are the last people you want holding a grudge against you.
But there's a way around it. Take a look at this handy guide to things
that really get under the skin of your server and then do the exact opposite.

Splitting a bill 30 ways, especially after it's been delivered
Most servers are happy to split a bill up; just give them a heads up you order.
Other places don't allow split bills, so have cash on hand.
Otherwise, you're forcing a server to do math that would give
Archimedes a headache.

Linger during a dinner rush
There are dozens of people waiting. Maybe you should show your
friends pictures of your dog in costumes somewhere else, instead
of filling up on water like a camel while starving people drool over your table.

Say, "Oh, I didn't like this -- can I get something else?"
You ordered the miso-glazed salmon before realizing you like
neither miso nor salmon. And you hate hyphens. If you want little nibbles,
hit up a tapas bar or Old Country Buffet.

Slip him/her your number
Classic, classy move, Robert Browning. If she wanted to see you in a
situation where she wasn't being paid to be nice to you, she
would have given you her digits.

Write a message on a receipt in lieu of a tip
"You look great today" isn't gonna get anybody a post-work drink,
or, you know, food for their kid. And "the service was terrible" isn't
going to get you any further away from the gates of hell.
If you aren't gonna tip, the lack of money will make your point.

Tip in change
Unless you're packing a handful of quarters or Sacajawea dollars,
nobody wants to deal with the contents of your car's cup holder,
especially your sticky-ass pennies.

Ignore the list of ingredients, then send an order back because
you have allergies. You have celiac disease and you just ordered a
sandwich on sourdough with a side of bread pudding and a Hefeweizen.
You don't get a re-do on that.

Use a Groupon, then give a discounted tip
Getting a meal for 50% off doesn't mean the service is also discounted.

Snap, scream, or whistle
Unless you're an unfrozen caveman, this is an unacceptable
mode of communication.

Say you're friends with the owner and expect special treatment
This is an especially bad idea if the owner is a prick.
Unless you can produce a full back tattoo of the owner,
your so-called relationship is dubious.

Order off-the-menu items
Yes, they have fish. Yes, they have rice. No, the folks at the Italian place
aren't gonna make you sushi with risotto. So don't ask.

Send a half-eaten entree back
"Oh, this is overcooked," you say, as you slide a half-eaten steak
and missing sides over to the server. Was the other half medium-rare?

Blame the server for everything
You are aware the server didn't make your food, right?
Or set the hours of operation? Or price the menu? Or clean the plate?
Or forget to put a gluten-free option on the menu
(seriously, enough with the gluten!)? She's also not the complaint box.
Direct your rage elsewhere, Dr. Banner.

Leave literature of any kind
A pamphlet about the virtues of living a Godly life might be enlightening,
but pamphlets don't put money in the ol' tithing basket.
And nobody wants to see your post-hardcore slowcore band,
so save that flyer for a telephone pole.

Order while on the phone
These people are also likely to yammer throughout dinner, and can't
figure out the correlation between talking to their wife and their
burger coming with honey on it.

Show up for a big table 30mins before the rest of your party
You get in. You get a table for 10 right at 6p. Then you sit there, alone,
for 30mins while the restaurant has to turn dozens of people away.
And the server feels too sorry for you to ask you to leave.
Your pouty eyes and a-hole friends are costing her, and the restaurant,
tons of money. Make sure to leave a nice pamphlet when you go.

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