There is a grand point and a need to ask why are you on the internet.
Does it help society? To me I do point that I post here for the beter
of society. Just because they are willing to cut off their legs to
save their toes doesn't mean others have to also and not saying anything
to point otherwise is like seeing a hit and run and saying nothing!
"We know something you don't know and if we don't share then we don't grow
unabomber will set the whole world on fire!"
So being on the internet posting here and there... Why? People never ask why?
It must be for some reason like things happen for no reason at all!
And brings up the saying doesn't have a clue to have a clue!
Why is that bad well if don't have a clue then you don't have and
that helps no one and makes the masses suffer as like the lemings
they go off the cliff not knowing they are because they have no clue!
It's just the point of people not asking why others do that?
For me I post to help others that look at my stuff for a point here and there,
ether to use a point I have for a story on their own and or.
If it helps society then all the good it's ok to post what ever it is because
it would have a meaning for a better life!
So Internet addiction is what it is without meaning to others going lower
not higher. Time and time spent for what? People need to ask why?
~~~~Problematic Internet use is also called compulsive Internet use (CIU), Internet overuse, problematic computer use, or pathological computer use (PCU), problematic Internet use (PIU), or Internet addiction disorder (IAD)). Another commonly associated pathology is video game addiction, or Internet gaming disorder (IGD).
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Repealing Obamacare's individual mandate? All I see is the uninsured dropping
for a bigger paycheck. They have insurance and can't afford to use it anyway
why have it! What... is the Doctor going to talk you back into health, you
only have $6 left in the bank cant pay the DR bills!
But also is the point if they repeal the individual mandate then
they should repeal the need to have car insurance being in health care
if you are allowed to not have insurance and make other people pay for it
then you should be allowed to drive without car insurance as the same!!!!
True and something to think about!
~~~~~What repealing Obamacare's individual mandate means
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
I ask if one husband can't stabilize then the wife needs two husbands!
It's about the support the growth and the point to be able to grow without
being held back like with issues of walking with no car.
Income and as I see it Polyandry would be a good way to make it get
more money and support in the household.
So it would be better to do such in a time of tax cuts taking away funding
food stamp cuts and state issues. Just get more income and support in.
~~~~~One Husband Can't Save a Low-Income Woman from Poverty
She'll Need Three or Four
Left-leaning poverty experts are all in a tizzy this week about conservative arguments that the answer to poverty is marriage — to “stay in school, get married and have children—in that order,” as Ari Fleischer, a former press secretary for President George W. Bush, most recently put it.
They’re arguing that the best ways to combat the multi-generational cycle of poverty and near-poverty that now traps one in three American women, and 28 million children are education, decently-paid jobs with benefits, high quality childcare and work supports like paid family leave.
These ideas aren’t new. They’re not sexy or exciting. And they’re certainly not likely to get any meaningful traction in our current Congress.
That’s why I’ve come up with a hot new idea. It’ll boost the marriage rate, combat child poverty, and, very likely, promote no-cost family planning among the poor – all without any new burden on taxpayers. It’s polyandry – think “Sister Wives” turned “Brother Husbands” — and it was inspired by Barbara Ehrenreich, the acerbic author best known for her 2001 book, Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America.
At a launch event on Wednesday for the new Shriver Report, A Woman’s Nation Pushes Back from the Brink, Ehrenreich, who took jobs as a waitress, nursing-home aide, hotel housekeeper, Wal-Mart associate and maid for a house-cleaning service to learn first-hand about poverty, shared a fresh new perspective on the just-say-yes-to-the-dress solution.
“When you say to women, to get out of poverty you should get married, my question to them is how many men you have to marry,” she said. “Marrying a 10-dollar-an-hour man gets you nowhere, so you’d really have to marry three or four.”
The audience broke out in laughter. But I think we should take Ehrenreich seriously. We have to face reality. If low-wage men don’t present women with much of a good deal, why not double, or triple, or quadruple them up? Pool resources, boost household income, and promote family values at the same time?
I realize this is a little hard to envision. Polyandry — the practice of a woman taking more than one husband at a time — has traditionally been considered (by majority-male anthropologists) an all-but-impossible aberration. More recent research, however, has found more than 75 societies world-wide in which women take multiple husbands, an article by Alice Dregger revealed in the Atlantic last year. Polyandry, it turns out, can be an efficient way of dealing with tough times, and constrained resources.
The United States would, of course, have to change its laws regarding marriage. But that’s not so impossible; Utah may already be en route to a much-weakened anti-polygamy law. And we’d have to find a way to have our new pro-polyandry law apply only to low-income households, to keep the whole income-inequality thing from taking off once again. Somehow, I don’t think better-off men would raise a fuss about the constitutional issues.
I can already see the TLC reality show. Promo photo: Four proud, doting men flanking one exhausted-yet-empowered woman. She wearing a newly-purchased business suit; the men clad in whatever the male wardrobe equivalent would be of those frumpy cotton dresses so often favored by multiple wives. Chinos pulled too high up at the waist? Striped polo shirts, tightly tucked in? A toolbelt at the waist of the favored husband of the day?
Season One: Learning to Share. Season Two: “Man Flu” Strikes the Compound. Season Three: Has Anyone Seen Mom? Season Four: Who Needs Her, Anyway?
The possibilities really are endless.
be open about things as it makes all lives better in the long run!
I'm talking about love! Love has no boundaries and this stuff needs
to be taken serious in view as like therapy!
There is a reason for everything in that I am saying there needs to be a fairness
and some thinking going on. Well if you watch Fox News / Wikieaks you might
believe in the tooth fairy! That doesn't help you knowing what is going on, or
what needs to be going on! Education is needed so with that you need to learn!
"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge."
"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."
"One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny."
"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."
"Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives." Bertrand Russell.
Everything has a reason for everything? Well it's ok to date a married lady.
Because there are rules set, agreements made for the benefit of the wife.
Why? It's the part guided by knowledge because if you know you would know
a issue trivial it would be ok down the road. A wife's boyfriend would be there
to protect her from herself, support make a better women, less stress!
You really are her therapist in view to her and her husband for balance.
If she chose you, she chose you for a reason and comes the point to accept it
for that reason, balance.
The caught in the middle part? That is where the fairness part is.
It can be a lot of pain to love a married lady noting the false fears or whatever
it is. Like being in love with a notorious married ALPHA lady in which is ok!
Fetishes or dreams that are made happen is the keystone of life. A fulfillment
needed in life! But asking to be with her she like pulls out a note card and reads
a scripted response... "I can't!" But you can't believe a word she says being the
notorious part! So there is a indecisiveness a hell! Pain!
Or if there was a affair going on, in that I know I would not do being the other pain!
Like if we had sex in my bed and the next night I go to bed with her not there and my
bed sheets smells like her perfume, I would be in a fetal position on the floor crying!
As the husband might be the same finding out what she did!
Pain! What hurts more? It's the same as a divorce after 20+ years, being hurt
over a married lady, it's the same! And the pain the married couple has
refection the same pain and the point to talk about it for a resolve.
What is the best interest of all!
Question: I found my soul mate. She’s perfect! Only problem is…she’s married. Every time we say goodbye after a few stolen hours together, my heart breaks knowing she is going back to her husband. The three of us work for the same company. I can’t move to another state or find another job that pays as good. This little secret is killing me. What’s the point in feeling so connected with someone you can’t share your love with? Any advice on coping with this moral dilemma would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks in advance.
Yangki’s Answer: I won’t try to dismiss your strong feelings for her as a ‘crush’ or an ‘infatuation’ or a ‘passing fascination’, if you feel it’s love, then it’s love and I won’t dispute that. But remember she’s married to someone else and that means that she’s not yours – at least not right now. What’s making you feel so miserable is not because you love a married woman, what’s making you miserable is that you have expectations and those expectations are not being met.
Is she your soul mate? I don’t know. There are all kinds of different soul mates and not all soul mate relationships have to translate into a sexual or romantic relationship.
If you truly believe in your soul that this woman is your soul mate, then what I advice you to do is to quit obsessing over the fact that you can’t be with her in the way your ego wants and instead try to figure out why she came into your life. Is it to remind you that you need to reassess your life and the choices you make? Is it to bring to light things in your love life that may need work? Are you attracted to the idea of having her because she’s unavailable? Are you attracted to her because you are afraid of being in a relationship and she posses no threat? Do you have these feelings because she reminds you of what your soul really longs for? To ignore why you have feelings for this woman would be ignoring what your soul is trying to communicate to you.
Obsessing about the fact that you can’t be with her may be keeping you from finding a wonderful, unattached woman out there-who could be looking for you too; someone else who has the same terrific qualities you find attractive in this other woman.
I would not advice you to move especially if you have a job you love and has lots of career prospects. What I’d advice you to do is start looking at this woman with different lenses – the lenses of your soul. Treat her with respect and friendly affection and treat those she loves (husband and family) in the same way. You may end up with a friendship that goes on for decades. And remember, lives change over the course of decades. You might find that you’ve fallen out of love with her. She may find herself single again someday. Who knows what the future holds? But for now, do the right thing – which is also the wise thing to do.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
It will happen... The bulldozing by the Alpha female.
For me when it happened I wanted to kiss her bad... I still do!!!
Looking at her eyes, lips, ears, neck as she maintained eye contact with me
the whole time. To me keen to nature a female hyena dominating the male and
the warm feeling of needs met a needed thing!!!
But there is a reason for what a Alpha does. Alpha do what Alpha does!
If someone is good for you the Alpha will decide, dominate and make
them their own and that is a good thing as needs are met, support, love,
balance is gained. Alpha chooses and puts the leash on the partner, boom lovers.
Lovers love! Lovers have reasons to give balance and is the point to bulldoze
in the first place!
~~~~~Common Relationship Pitfalls Of Alpha Females
Being an alpha female can be a very good thing. Alpha females usually don’t wait long to order drinks, they don’t hesitate to ask for raises, they speak up when somebody wrongs them, and they walk through life with a vibe that demands respect. There are only a few instances in life when there is such thing as being too bold and too assertive, and one of them is in a relationship. Communication is key, but alpha females sometimes accidentally bulldoze their partners. There’s a reason for that; alpha females often choose more demure men to balance them out! It’s a very healthy case of opposites attracting, but sometimes, the alpha female can dominate her partner without even knowing it. If this sounds like you, don’t get mad that your partner can’t rise to the challenge that is you sometimes—you fell for him because he’s patient and even keel—but be aware of these common relationship pitfalls of alpha females.
~~~~~9. Female Alphas are the top of the hierarchy
If I had to put a label on the different most typical female roles in group settings,
here are what they would be:
Betas: Side-kicks or enforcers of alpha leadership.
Nu’s: The exact middle letter of the Greek Alphabet, Nu’s are fillers. They provide conversation, gossip and support for the Alpha.
Zeta’s: The jokester, comic relief, clown, goofball of the group. Most groups have a female jester.
Omega’s: (The last letter of the Greek Alphabet) The victims, the bullied, the weaklings or the “C” in a female troika are always picked on or treated with loving condescension. (See my article on Female Troikas)
Sampi’s: (An obsolete letter of the Greek Alphabet, often forgotten) The Invisibles, the forgotten girls whose quiet or shy demeanor often means they are not included or counted.
It is actually very helpful to know the female alphas in your life—or recognize if you in fact are one yourself. You will find yourself appreciating them in awkward social situations or, if you are a female alpha, avoiding other female alphas who challenge you. Do you know the female alphas in your life?
Me? I have a adaptive trait. Well I stay around Beta, Zeta, Nu.
Zeta if needed otherwise like to bring someone up otherwise I see it as disabling
yourself to others full time.
I am a Alpha if needed. Alphas cause unnecessary trouble full time.
An Alpha with a Alpha is not good for both. There needs to be a ground sometime.
Beta, Zeta, Nu is for the Alpha and not getting in their way unless it's needed
then my Alpha would come up! In that is ok as it's no threat to be for a Alphas
best interest. You are making the Alpha a better person.
Sunday, November 5, 2017
in the 90's, I took many classes and been in group talks
over many subjects, ending with the notion everyone has
their own type of normality.
Culture is made up, a mix of parts and from places so culture is not real!
So it is best to make your own culture making your own normality!
"You can see neurosis from below - as a sickness - as most psychiatrists see it.
Or you can understand it as a compassionate man might: respecting the neurosis
as a fumbling and inefficient effort toward good ends." Abraham Maslow
Normality, Psychosis, Butterscotch waterfall and Julio? Go see the videos.
I really did not like the DSM's they seemed conservatarded even in the
90's the cure was pushed to drug, drug. I am a Humanistic Psychology type,
so my view is not good on how Psychology is in my state by the masses.
Is pushing the drugs greed? More exposing the problem in therapy is needed
than concealing it with medication.
More time in therapy needs to be spent in revealing than concealing!
"The foundation of genuine helping lies in being ordinary. Nothing special.
We can only offer ourselves, neither more nor less, to others we have in fact
nothing else to give.Anything more is conceit; anything less is robbing those
in distress. Helping demands wholeheartedness, but people find it hard to
give of themselves to others. Why? In essence we are afraid to offer ourselves
for fear we will prove insufficient, and if all that we have and are is not enough,
what then? We are afraid to risk using simply our own warmth and caring,
and as a result the thousands of therapy techniques
which are becoming increasingly popular are intended to conceal
rather than reveal."
Psychiatrist Allen Frances has been critical of proposed revisions
to the DSM-5. In a 2012 New York Times editorial, Frances warned that
if this DSM version is issued unamended by the APA, it will
“medicalize normality and result in a glut of unnecessary and harmful
drug prescription.” In a December 2, 2012 blog post in Psychology Today,
Frances lists the ten “most potentially harmful changes” to DSM-5:
It is the fact your degree is only valued on the paper it's printed on,
and the masses out there have Master hillbilly degrees in Psychology and
push such harmful resolve to drug the patient first, being how the
pharmaceutical money flows they say "Your, stupid, your stupid!"
if you go against the BS!
Or it could be the country thinking a Special kind of stupid, backward
thinking, your smart and that makes you stupid. Your considerate so that
makes you intrusive. Country thinking relating to their master degree at their
redneck college they went to so they can say "I'm just as smart as you!"
without being in the fire learning what is norm! In a high up judgmental
position without being in life, in the real type life is stupid.
Sort of like doing your master's
without a thesis then to pop up
like you are the smartest thing
on the block in for it for the
money. Doesn't make it so! It's
like going to a "McDonald
college" vs Berkeley.
"Drag a hundred-dollar bill
through a trailer park, you
never know what you'll find."
Where is this going? Lets see where this goes and that is the point!
Usually one gets out in the world and sees what they learned is BS
and learns better. Education starts after school, to see where it goes!
Your diploma is like a Olympic torch, it's a start of your education!
Like your drivers license, just because you have one doesn't mean you
know how to drive a car. You learn down the road!
I dated a lady hairdresser in the late 1990's that smoked weed and liked
to go at gay bars being she had a hard life and a death treat from a biker gang
and she felt safe at a gay bar that was her security. I'm not gay, she was not gay
it was her security to go there. On the first date at a nice restaurant she went
to the bathroom and threw-up everywhere. Nervous, high etc she got sick,
so I took that cougar back to her environment which was the gay bar and all
was ok it's her normality there.
Also had a lady tell me "We like you." "My other personality likes you and I
trust her so I'm ok with it!" Also had a co-worker that had a
Corpus Callosotomy done. With me all of those things I seen is called life
experiences that I can relate by my education I had and seen this stuff with
my own eyes and I recognize what that is.
To make anything of value you have to get out there and do it!
You can't win the lottery if you don't but a ticket!
Get yourself out of the dark ages, you can't see much in the dark!
My Psychology is from the 90' but all relates to the now.
Pointless over internet use is an addiction and paranoia on who says what
about you on Facebook is all the same as it ever was, it never will change.
This story is not meant to be inflammatory just point noted factual because
patients are human not zombies needing medication. I do say we need more
Humanistic Psychology these days. Medicines are needed but to cure not deal
with it, unless you are in that state of pure hell in that case you might need to
be on such medication to nock off that top a bit.
There are other ways of getting a cure like Psychedelic Therapy. It would be
the shock to cure many without the life time of Medicines. It's worth looking at
when looking at the way life is for many with the current mindset of
So what is normal? It's just to the fact of if people call you crazy then the
judgement of such is noted to be an issue of how educated the people around
you are. A norm in LA is not the norm in Alabama! People that call others crazy
in a bad way, don't understand life themselves.
But also normal should not be detrimental for ones self in the reasoning of their
self image reflecting their place in the world. Have you ever been to some town
and ran across those few people that dress up like a Pirate, a guy in a dress or
a 40 year old Gothic lady. Every town has someone, but the point is what is
behind it. Is it to get attention? A stagnate mindset not willing to grow out of it.
A guy in a dress might be stressed to be who he is, not willing to make it happen
because the operation cost too much or other factors.
So in what case it might be the point is to ask what is behind it, why do you do
the things you do! It's ok to do them but to know if it's not detrimental to you!
~~~~~Because the more life goes on, the more “normal” feels out of reach.
So I’ve chosen to accept the unconventional and actually feed off of it.
No one needs to approve of my life but me.
Yes, at times I have to remind myself of the benefits of the unbeaten path,
but I’ve given myself the freedom to create my own “normal.”
And you know what? It has helped me live in the moment, embrace opportunity,
and accept what is. I’m listening to myself – not the “shoulds” about the life
I want to lead. To be clear, I’m not against the normal life by any means.
I’m sure one day I’ll be in a version of it myself. But I do want to emphasize
that in reality, there is no normal life. There is just life.
And I am sure as hell living it!
"Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to
that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream
and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick.
This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted,
who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood.
This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done.
By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it's a feather bed."
"Feeling unstable having crazy thoughts testing your limitations all the time."
Is growth it's a part in your life finding who you are.
It's finding out your normality was never normal in the first place.
So you push on to find out your own self!
Saturday, November 4, 2017
Speaking like a therapist you know there is that time to break from your past
deviant behaviors. I am talking about negative issues as they effect all around
you. The point is to find your ground the safety line from your cliff on insanity.
"You can see neurosis from below - as a sickness - as most psychiatrists see it.
Or you can understand it as a compassionate man might: respecting the neurosis
as a fumbling and inefficient effort toward good ends." Abraham Maslow
~~~~~Break Out of Your Past – Make a New Life in Recovery
No doubt you have a few things you’d like to forget about your past addictive behavior. It’s safe to say that everyone who goes through treatment and enters recovery has some skeletons in their closet they’d prefer to keep hidden away. The trouble is, if you don’t face your demons and own up to your responsibility, there’s no way you can make progress in recovery. Easier said than done, you say? No one said it would be easy, but the alternative really isn’t much of an option. You know you don’t want to slide back into your old habits. So, just how do you break out of your past and make a new life in recovery?
While each person’s path is unique, there are a few things you can do that may help. Take these suggestions and try them on for size. If some of them work, keep doing them. If they work a little, but not enough for your liking, try to modify them to make them more applicable to your particular situation. If something doesn’t work, give it a rest and maybe go back to it at a later date, perhaps when you have a bit more time in recovery. Or, discard what isn’t providing any discernible results.
Ready? Here goes.
Make a Fresh Start
Some recovery experts – and the addicts in recovery themselves – refer to the time after treatment as a rebirth, a new life, and an opportunity to make a fresh start. Whether you adopt this mindset or look at your life in recovery in a different fashion, there is some merit to the idea. So, don’t reject it out of hand.
First of all, you are approaching your post-treatment life with a different set of values. You are committing yourself to a life of sobriety, with all that this commitment entails. And, honestly, sometimes this is going to be a real challenge. Give yourself the benefit of beginning your new life with a clean slate – free of the misdeeds and lies and damaged relationships of the past. No, you can’t undo what has been done. You may be able to repair some of it in time, but you cannot escape your responsibility with respect to your actions. Sure, addiction is a disease. There is no blame that should be attached to that fact. But you do need to own it (your actions), and the key to your recovery is how well you are able to put into practice the strategies and coping mechanisms you learned during treatment, how solid your support system is, and your willingness to put in the necessary hard work to live a healthier, clean and sober lifestyle.
What better way to do this than to start over? For some in recovery, this may require moving to a new location (apartment, different area of the city or town, different city or state). It could also – and more often – mean that you’ll need to stop seeing your former friends. Anyone connected to your former life who continues to drink, use drugs, or engage in polysubstance abuse or addictive behavior is simply going to be off-limits to you. There’s no getting around it. You simply cannot be around those people, places and things that will serve as triggers for you to use again. It can’t be done. Bottom line: You have some hard decisions ahead of you – and many of them involve starting over.
Learn How to Say No
Beef up your ability to turn down invitations to do something you know is counter-productive to your sobriety. This means learning how to say no – and mean it. Well-meaning former acquaintances (even those who are not substance users or abusers) may bring over some near-beer for a celebration of one of your sobriety milestones (6 months, a year, etc.). You should probably limit any celebrations to close family for the first year, just so you’re comfortable being around people who know of your commitment to being clean and sober – and won’t undermine your efforts, however innocently intended.
Saying no also means that you can’t just have one drink and think that you’ll be able to control your intake. The same thing goes for drugs, or gambling, or compulsive sex, or any other kind of addictive behavior. There is no one time only. That’s absolutely not going to work. You’ll need to tell yourself – and others who may try to entice you into the behavior – that you’ve made a commitment and you are not going to involve yourself in circumstances that jeopardize your recovery.
Making a break from the past also means that you’ll be saying no to taking on too much responsibility. Don’t overload your plate while you are just getting acclimated to your recovery. Too much stress will overwhelm you, put added strain on your coping mechanisms, and contribute to relapse faster than you can imagine.
For this reason, it’s a good idea to take on new responsibilities slowly – at least for the first 6 months to a year in recovery. This does not mean that you avoid making any changes during this time. In fact, you should be making positive changes on an ongoing basis. Get involved in new leisure activities. Join groups with similar interests.
Focus on New Priorities
With your new life in recovery, you will be drafting and refining goals. What you decide to do is your decision. After all, it’s your recovery. But, of course, you will want and need to involve your spouse, partner and family members in your decisions. If nothing else, they are the ones who will rally around and support you during your recovery, and you want them to be in sync with your plans.
One of the best things about your future in recovery is the freedom you have to explore new options, different directions, take on exciting new challenges, and learn something new. The range of possibilities is virtually endless, limited only by your own holding back. But there’s really no reason for you to avoid putting a particular goal on your list for fear that you think it’s out of the realm of possibility for you. Who’s to say that’s true? In fact, as new ideas and opportunities occur, jot them down. You can modify, eliminate, or add to them as you go along. Just because it may involve a long-term commitment – what’s wrong with that? Recovery is a lifelong process, so you should have some increasingly challenging long-term goals to keep you motivated and moving forward.
While you were in treatment, your counselors focused on the mind-body-spirit balance, healing the whole person, not just the addiction. Remember that you aren’t your addiction. You have an addiction, but it doesn’t define you. This is very important to keep in mind as you begin to think of tackling short- and long-term goals – or even adding them to your recovery plan. In line with the balance between your mind, body, and spirit, you should focus on goals that help strengthen and maintain that equilibrium in recovery. For example, your addiction may have ravaged your body and your healing may take many months for the various symptoms or complications to mend. Liver and kidney damage, impaired motor functions, cardiovascular problems take time to heal. You need to focus on getting your strength back, on eating nutritious and well-balanced meals, getting enough exercise and plenty of sleep. Gradually, your physical – and mental – condition will improve. And, when your mind and body are better, it makes it easier for your spirit to mend as well.
How do you focus on healing your mind and spirit? It isn’t as simple as taking precautions to eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep, but it isn’t difficult either. What you do is cut yourself some slack, to begin with. Allow yourself time to get reoriented to your new life of sobriety. Participate in 12-step groups so that you surround yourself with others who understand what you’ve gone through (and are going through) and can offer you ongoing encouragement and support. Sure, the emotional roller coaster is tough to take, since there will be some days – and maybe you’ve had some of these already – that are almost too much to bear. The weight of responsibility, the anguish and shame and remorse over past deeds, financial burdens – all of these may come down and threaten to crush your spirit. You don’t know where to turn or who to trust. Again, utilize the 12-step network to help galvanize your resolve to live a clean and sober lifestyle. Many persons in recovery say that they couldn’t have made it through some of the difficult times without their sponsor and fellow 12-step group members.
In addition, such groups often offer skills training, job fairs or placement services, and many other services. Alumni may come back to provide instruction, guidance, or work as volunteers to staff various functions. This is a great way for you to network, gain necessary training and skills, learn how to write a resume, fill out a job application, or practice going to a job interview.
Uplifting your spirit takes different forms depending on your religious or spiritual upbringing and inclination. If you find strength and comfort in religious beliefs, prayer and meditation may be the appropriate way for you to find spiritual balance. If you are not religious or are spiritual in a non-denominational manner, perhaps the belief in the power of the self or spirit is what guides you.
When you find yourself feeling out of sorts, overwhelmed, taking on too much, or just confused over all the choices you need to make, ease up a bit. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Be with close friends. Take time off to do something that you enjoy – with no sense of obligation or responsibility other than to do something good for yourself. In other words, you need to make time to take time for leisure activities. This will help bring things back into focus, and balance out the mind-body-spirit connection.
How to Mend Frayed Relationships
One of the most difficult things to do in recovery is to repair relationships that were strained or damaged in the worst throes of addiction. For many in recovery, these are the relationships with spouse or partner, children, parents and other close relatives. If these individuals live in the same household and are there when the individual returns home from treatment, rebuilding the bond becomes incredibly difficult. There may be long silences, times when family members tiptoe around, afraid to say the wrong thing or make a wrong move, fearful of their loved one backsliding into relapse.
There’s the whole issue of trust, so important to healthy spousal relationships and so hard to repair once it’s been abused. And, let’s not forget love. During the period of your treatment, much uncertainty about the future no doubt plagued your spouse, partner and loved ones. They worried how you’d return, if you’d genuinely commit to sobriety, if things would ever go back to normal.
Naturally, you worry and wonder how you’ll be received, and how – and when – you’ll regain their trust, not to mention love.
There is no easy solution to how to rebuild frayed relationships. The best that you can do is to take it one day at a time. Focus on living up to your responsibilities. Do what you say you will do. Go out of your way to compliment your spouse or partner and children. Do things for them – not out of a sense of obligation, but because you want to show your affection and commitment. Shouldn’t it be the other way around, you may ask? Ideally, there’ll be a give and take. Realistically, there are some hurdles to overcome. It takes time for love and trust to return after the loved one returns home from treatment. How could it be any other way? You’ll have to give it time, not take the awkwardness as a sign of failure, and keep doing your best.
Not every strained relationship – family, close friends, co-workers or others – can be repaired. If this is the case, you can’t take it as an indictment or an indication that you’ve somehow made less progress in your recovery. Human nature is such that some people just can’t forgive and move forward. It may be that you’ll need to allow these individuals to have their space, even if that means they will no longer be in your life. In some cases, this separation is only temporary, while others prove permanent.
Encourage family members to attend the family component of the 12-step groups. These groups include Al-Anon/Alateen (affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous), Nar-Anon (the family component of Narcotics Anonymous), Gam-Anon (family off-shoot of Gamblers Anonymous), and others. This is particularly valuable if your family members were not able to take part in family treatment as part of your overall treatment program. Included in some residential addiction treatment programs, family treatment may also be an extra-cost service, or may not be offered at all in outpatient treatment programs. The added benefit of 12-step family groups is that, like the 12-step groups themselves, there is no cost to join, and no dues.
What to Do if You Feel Yourself Slipping
Not every day will be full of positive outcomes. You will experience some difficult times when you are afraid that it might be easier and preferable to go back to your addictive behavior. This is common. Cravings and urges beset the individual in recovery at unpredictable times – sometimes months and years after the person has been successfully in recovery. For some individuals, continued medication is appropriate to help ease or eliminate cravings, calm anxiety and depression, and help with sleep difficulties. If you need or thing medication can help, talk with your counselor and physician about a prescription. It’s important to take the medication exactly as prescribed and to continue taking it. Some medications, particularly antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, take up to 6 weeks to begin to show improvement in symptoms. Your doctor may also need to modify dosage or change medications if there is no improvement. Be sure to tell your doctor how you feel, whether symptoms lessen or
improve slightly, and any complications that arise from taking the medication.
Generally speaking, the best way to prevent relapse is to continue with your participation in 12-step groups. When you feel yourself about to slip, call your sponsor or 12-step members with whom you’ve become close. They can serve as a lifeline, listening to you without judgment, offering encouragement and support for as long as you need it – any time of the day or night. At least your sponsor will offer this 24/7 availability. Use your judgment when calling other 12-step members in the middle of the night (although you will know from how they interact with you if they are receptive to such calls). In any event, these people are like your surrogate family. They care about you and want you to succeed in recovery. If anyone can help you stay true to your commitment, it’s them.
Continued counseling, if it is available to you as part of aftercare or continuing care, is another way to get help if you feel you’re going to slip. Just because you go through treatment doesn’t mean that you’re fully practiced in utilizing the coping skills you learned. Treatment is a supervised, contained situation where counselors are always available. When you’re back in the real world, it’s quite a bit different. Naturally, you may feel some anxiety and trepidation about doing the right thing when you come face to face with cravings and urges. So, if you can get continued counseling, definitely take advantage of it.
How Long Does It Take?
Everyone wants to know how long it takes until you know your recovery is a success. Again, there is no single timetable that works for everyone. It will take as long as it needs to for you. That’s the best way to look at it. From this perspective, if it takes 1 to 2 years before you feel solidly on your feet again, you could say that that is a realistic timeframe. This means clean and sober for that entire time, during which you’ve become practiced and thoroughly able to handle increasing challenges, problems, and stressors without resorting to your addiction. For some in recovery, making it to the 6 month mark is a great boost to their self-confidence, and a sign that they are in successful recovery.
Remember, too, that even those in recovery who’ve been clean and sober for years or decades may have times when they experience cravings out of the blue. That’s just a reality, and there’s just no predicting it. The true indication of a successful recovery isn’t that you have cravings – it’s what you do about it.
For now, take each day at a time. Keep focused on doing things that will strengthen your mind-body-spirit connection. Live according to the new values you’ve determined are important. Be loving and constant with your family. And believe that all things are possible for your future in recovery.