Other than a destiny connection, in that is a good thing as it's
good to know something of your destiny vs being clueless but...
Love has new meanings as is looses it's boundaries. As a opening of a door, a light!
Love is good for you and stale love is stale... More like inbreeding as the longer
the marriage / relationship is the more it's the same as in inbreeding with
the less diverse chromosomes. Things ends up being sickly! HAW!
Just add more chromosomes to fix it!
Being open in a relationship is good as it's not fair to keep any bird in a cage
for a long time. It's just the point for all to just sit down and talk make agreements,
who is who to who. It might be TMI, but the point is to be real and talk!
Anyone that would be in that talk would know making agreements and etc
is just a start in trust building. As all involved work to adhere to the agreements
knowing that as all goes down that road the trust is being built. In time, in time!
It's a long term aim and should be as the effort to talk is a big thing!
About the Jealously? That goes away in time as everyone talks and changes
what is doing it in the first place. It's about the value to see the other happy
and not off the cliff. That is the gold in the worth of the effort to build trust.
In building the Monogamish to Polyamory it's just a point of seeing your other
and you happy. Being open to each other is needed!
It's all a fact making all better and knowing, it's ok, it's ok!
~~~~~Meet the Monogamish:
by Dan Savage
Why do most people assume that all nonmonogamous relationships are
destined to fail? Because we only hear about the ones that do. If a
three-way or an affair was a factor in a divorce or breakup, we hear all
about it. But we rarely hear from happy couples who aren't monogamous,
because they don't want to be perceived as dangerous sex maniacs who are
destined to divorce.This state of affairs—couples who experimented with nonmonogamy and wound up divorced won't shut up; couples who experimented with nonmonogamy and are still together won't speak up—allows smug and insecure monogamists to run around insisting that there's no such thing as happy, stable monogamish couples.
"You know lots of couples who have had three-ways and flings who aren't divorced," I told the skeptics a few weeks ago, "you just don't know you know them." In an effort to introduce the skeptics to some happily monogamish couples, I invited coupled people who'd had successful flings, affairs, three-ways, and swinging experiences to write in and share their stories. The response was overwhelming—I may do a book—and I'm turning over the rest of this week's column to their stories
My husband and I have issues
like any couple, but I still smile when I see him walk into a room, and
he still takes my hand when we're walking down the street. For the past
seven years, we have been "monogamish." It started off with a discussion
of "If you ever cheat on me and it's a one-time thing, I wouldn't want
to know." Then, when he turned 40, we had a threesome with a female
friend. When I actually saw him "in the moment," I didn't have the
jealous feelings I had always feared. There is no question that our
relationship is our first priority, but just the possibility of a little
strange now and then makes him feel like a stud. (And I reap the
benefits!) I don't much care for sex without emotion and affection, so
my flings have been rather limited. We haven't told our families or more
than a couple of friends. I don't want to deal with the judgment of
others.
For the first five years
of my marriage, everything was great: lots of sex, both GGG, lots of
love. Then my wife's libido failed. Whatever the problem was, she
couldn't articulate it. After a year where we'd had sex twice, I reached
out to someone else. I used Craigslist and I was honest: I explained
that I had no intention of leaving my wife and that I was looking for
someone in a situation similar to mine. It took months to find the right
person. We struck up a years-long affair. At the same time, I had a
wonderful-yet-sexless marriage. Then, after nearly four years, a strange
thing happened: My wife's libido came back strong. To this day, she
cannot explain why it left or why it came back. With the reason for my
affair gone, I ended things with my fuck buddy. And you know what? Years
of honest talk made this easy. She understood; we went our separate
ways. So I had a four-year affair
without getting caught. Here's how I pulled it off: I never told anyone
about it ever, I chose a partner who wanted exactly what I wanted, we
didn't film ourselves (as hot as that sounded), we used condoms, I kept
my computer clear of any evidence, and we never called or texted each
other.
My husband and I
are monogamish but also LMGs—legally married gays. We feel tremendous
pressure to be perfect. The thing is, we are perfect. We love each
other, we support each other, and we have amazing sex with each
other—and the occasional cameo performer, who is always treated with
respect. (We have a rule about not inviting someone into our bedroom who
we wouldn't be friends with outside the bedroom.) That said, the fact
that Ron and Nancy down the street are swingers will raise eyebrows, but
it won't impact the perceived legitimacy of mixed-gender marriage. But
if Ed and Ted happen to invite a third into their bedroom, that would
prove the gays are destroying marriage/the country/the fabric of the
universe. Even other gays get judgmental. So, at least for now, our
monogamishness is on a strictly need-to-know basis. And who needs to
know? Just our sex-positive doctor and the occasional hot third who gets
a golden ticket into our bedroom.
I agree with you
that we rarely hear about successful marriages that are open. How do I
know? I just discovered that my parents are swingers—and they have been
married for 26 years!
My husband, almost exactly
10 years older than me, confessed a cuckold fetish to me shortly before
our fifth anniversary. I said no, but a seed was planted: Whenever I
would develop a crush on another man, it would occur to me that I could
sleep with him if I wanted to. Five years later, my boyfriend of two
years, who happens to be exactly 10 years younger than me, was one of
the guests at our 10-year anniversary party. My boyfriend is a
good-looking grad student who adores me and values my husband's advice
about his education and career plans. He treats my husband with the
perfect blend of affection and contempt. ("Gratitude and attitude," my
boyfriend calls it.) I enjoy my boyfriend, but I love my husband more
than ever. My husband is not allowed to have sex with other women (he
doesn't want to, anyway), and he's not allowed to have sex with me
without my boyfriend's permission (which he usually—though not
always—gets). Our families would be appalled. We simply don't live in a
part of the country, or move in social circles, where we could be honest
about any of this with anyone.
From the outside,
my husband and I look like a boring vanilla married couple. In fact,
people have included me in judgmental conversations about open
relationships. But the truth is, for nearly as long as we've been
together (three-plus years), we've had a semiopen relationship. My
husband is bi. When he told me after a few months of dating, years of
Savage Love reading helped me to keep an open mind. Long story short: We
worked out rules that were mutually agreeable. Now he can hook up
safely with guys and come home to a loving wife with whom he can be
completely honest.
I'm a happily married woman...
and so is my girlfriend. Maybe it's cowardly of us, but no matter how
simple our relationship seems to us, the people we care about would not
understand. Yes, we do this with our husbands' blessing. (We even
double-date from time to time!) No, there's nothing lacking in our
marriages. Our parents, relatives, children, friends, and coworkers know
we're close. But I don't see the need to tell anyone the entire truth. I
was on the fence about sending this e-mail—that's how little fuss we
make about it. Then I thought, if I do send it, and if enough people
send their stories, maybe one day we can go public and it won't be a big
fucking deal. That'd be awesome.
~~~~~New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory May Be Good for You
Jealousy & love: One thing that seems to unite the polyamorous community is a realenthusiasm for digging into emotions. Honesty, openness and communication are cornerstones for polyamorous relationships, Holmes has found.
"They're talking a lot, they're negotiating a lot, they're bringing their feelings to the table a lot," he said. It's this intensive conversation that might be wise for monogamous couples to emulate, Holmes said. His work also suggests that basic emotions work very differently in polyamorous relationships.
Take jealousy. If you ask most people how they'd feel if their partner had sex with or fell in love with someone else, the responses would be pretty negative: fear, anger, jealousy, rejection. Ask a polyamorous person the same question, and they're more likely to tell you they'd be thrilled. It's a concept called "compersion," which means the joy felt when a partner discovers love outside of you. It's similar to the feeling the typical person might get after finding out their best friend scored her dream job, Holmes said. But in this case, the happiness stems from a lover's external relationships.
That finding challenges much of what traditional psychological research has established about how jealousy works.
"It turns out that, hey, people are not reacting with jealousy when their partner is flirting with someone else," Holmes said. "Good science tests theories and predictions … you need to see if it holds up even in extreme situations."
In another example of polyamorous people potentially turning typical psychological reactions upside-down, Holmes conducted a preliminary analysis of about 200 polyamorous people, asking them about feelings of jealousy. Typically, he said, you'd expect to see that women are more anxious about emotional infidelity, while men worry more about sexual infidelity. That wasn't the case among the polyamorous individuals. In fact, there were no gender differences in rates of sexual and emotional jealousy to be found.
None of this suggests that polyamorous people are somehow immune to jealousy, Holmes said. But when jealously does occur, it's discussed. The person feeling jealous is encouraged to examine their own psyche to find out what's bothering them and which of their needs aren't being met. Then the pair (or triad, or quad) can negotiate boundaries.
http://www.livescience.com/27129-polyamory-good-relationships.html
GOODTHERAPY.ORG~~LIFESTYLES MYTHS
PSYCHOLOGYTODAY.COM~~MONOGAMISH MARRIAGE
QUORA.COM~~WHAT IS IT LIKE MONOGAMISH RELATIONSHIP
THESTRANGER.COM~~MEET THE MOMOGAMISH
MONOGAMISHMARRIAGE.COM
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLceEzjybohu5EKpEKv43Cl9Vie22ZgFrS
http://walmartramen.blogspot.com/2015/03/going-triad-into-21st-century.html
GOODTHERAPY.ORG~~LIFESTYLES MYTHS
PSYCHOLOGYTODAY.COM~~MONOGAMISH MARRIAGE
QUORA.COM~~WHAT IS IT LIKE MONOGAMISH RELATIONSHIP
THESTRANGER.COM~~MEET THE MOMOGAMISH
MONOGAMISHMARRIAGE.COM
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLceEzjybohu5EKpEKv43Cl9Vie22ZgFrS
http://walmartramen.blogspot.com/2015/03/going-triad-into-21st-century.html