Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Where have I been, Mirror, Mirror, on the rocks!

I have always been a lover type of person in my relationships!
When I am hooked, I'm hooked! That is not a bad thing, from where I been.

(This is a disclaimer. This story has TMI. Just be aware, it's my pain and growth!
This should be seen through they eyes of a therapist in view and noted why I see
myself as a therapist in relationships.
No names are mentioned here!) I'm not a player, just a lover!

It's ok to be the hostess with the mostess
with a neurosis because of the support,
the lovers by your side, being for your
best interest. Walking in our short lives
not alone! Like the stars above!

In my life I learned to not get upset over temporary issues.
In my past I got upset over temporary issues as all in relationships do,
but I learned it's temporary so I let it go as I look back at my
past relationships in relating to the now. It's called learning.

Like you can love someone wanting better for the partner in that
there is no line to cross as it's all good, balanced and supportive toward the
partner. The balance would be welcomed these days and it's worth it!
And that needs to go both ways or there will be a hell of a pain!

Love really does not have boundaries.
For me I tend to fall in love easy. Ask me and I am all ready there.
I am Polyamorous so I won't break up with anyone.
If it don't work I believe you should agree it's not working and note
there is no need to hate. We are adults so we should talk like adults.

*****For instance I was with a lady hair dresser for a time in the 1990's.
She barfed on the first date. She smoked weed and liked to go at
gay bars being she had a hard life she was abused by a biker gang lady
that had a death threat on her from testifying in court about them.
She might of been forced to sleep with a frozen pig.
She was a secret wittiness and the biker guy recognized her by
her testimony and called her by name threatening to kill her.

She freaked, so she ended up feeling safe at a gay bar that was her security.
Not one biker would step foot in a gay bar!
Im not gay, she was not gay it was her security to go there.
Every time a guy with leather on walked in the bar she would watch them
out of the corner of her eye. It was that bad!

On the first date at a nice restaurant she ran to the bathroom
and threw-up everywhere. She was like a keeper seeing the back of her
as she was running to the bathroom, then with a Blaaaah, Splat noise she went.
These "Party girls" with their little lipstick purse came running out screaming
with their hands in the air and high heels going tap, tap, tap as they ran out!
The bathroom door was slow to close, so I saw all that from the table I was at.
At the time I wanted to hold up a lighter for her, but didn't have one!
Nervous, high etc she got sick, I took that cougar back to her environment which
was the gay bar all was ok it's her normality there. She told me where she likes to go
thinking I would say hell no, but I accepted her for who she is and
she could not believe it.

As I am I tend to be like a valium so she took me home on the first date.
Keep in mind of her past, a strange man in a waterbed with her passed out
tired, she farted in her sleep. This never happens in life, a lady like her would
be aware of my every move. Nope she slept and farted! And I had to try
not to laugh as I would of shook the waterbed. You don't want to suddenly
wake up tired older cougar. Let sleeping cougars sleep!
She farted in her sleep what would Sigmund Freud say?
Trust, that is the point being the fear she had!

I had to carry her over my shoulder to the car once. The bar owner kept calling me
at work letting me know she was smashed that night. She got too drunk that night
and I took her home put her in her bed. She mumbled before she passed out
something like if I stick it in her @$$ use the gel. I kissed her and went back to
my place. She didn't know what she was saying! Significant others don't
BLANK you in the BLANK when you are passed out drunk!
Her room mate was a transvestite / now called transgender, she took care of him
like her son. There is a amount of fairness and respect that was shown by that.

My relationship with the hairdresser didn't workout but that was ok.
This was one of the fun / humanistic relationships I had.

*****Also in the 1990's I had a friend and his wife take me out to dinner at
Denny's so they could talk to me about...  Well my friend's wife told me they
wanted to have sex with me. And some guy behind us in the other seat said
"I'll be damned, a male unicorn!" I replied "Hay... I'm not gay!"
I didn't expect that and It is funny that I can say
That is not me, so I found it funny that they said that to me!
They where still my friends but I let them know it's not me!

*****I dated a lady I met on the internet, we went to a hotel.
I also met her before I met her a Red string of fate! I first met her when
I was on the school bus in high school. It's about where the road takes us!
Her and her kids where going backward into a intersection in their car with a
T-top after doing a burnout. It was a cloudy day and when they went flying
backward they stopped in the middle of the intersection when there was a
opening in the cloud and a beam of light shined on their car and only their car.
She put her hands in the light and waved them around before they took off again.
I am glad I dated her but I didn't know if we where meant to be.
I never thought of these things like that before. On the bus I knew it was like a
spot light on her but I never understood back then.

I met her before I met her when I was on a High School bus only to
end up in a Hotel Room with her down the road. The circle of life.

*****I dated a lady that was a head lady in the federal credit union.
She had a short life span due to a enlarged heart. She was in need of a
heart transplant. I was dating her to make life better for her.
It was a love and support relationship as she had heart problems
and a short life... Take into your life what is good for you life's short!

*****Also had a lady in the 90's tell me "We like you." 
"My other personality likes you and I trust her so im ok with it!" 
Noted about the "Hostess with the mostess with a neurosis." 
It's ok, I am a psychology major, I'm for your best interest, 
I love you!

*****Also you could say I had a date with a married lady when I was 10.
When I was in my elementary time 1979 I think,
I remember a teacher taking me to a bar to have a coke to also meet
her boyfriend or husband. It was something about her pay check
to pay the rent, she brought me along. Nothing bad!
That was really cool it was life in the 70's!

*****I fell for a married lady who was a Angie Dickinson lookalike, my boss
when I worked at a Hotel. She went to a salon once and fixed her hair.
It caused me problems at work! It was to the point her co-worker said
something like "Look at him, your driving him nuts!"
She came over and poked me, and said OK, we need to fix this.
She went back to the salon and had her hair toned down.
Many knew I was in love with her and the hair issue was just proof of it.

People at work knew I fell for her, and we where sort of notarized by a coworker
telling me damn she's yelling at you at work and your not even her husband!
"Stop standing up for my husband, stop it, stop it!"
I was for her best interest because she's my best interest, I was for her
because I did need her also! I looked forward to working with her!

The hotel put a obvious hidden camera in the wall once. A few months later I fixed it.
I knew it bugged her and I got sick of it also so enough! I covered the hole with butter
being the color of the butter was the same color of the wall and respectfully the same 
as her hair color. (Only I would notice something like that. 
When I get it bad I get it bad!) Anyway the butter worked no more camera in the 
wall and no one said anything.

*****I also dated a lady who's mom smoked hash. The little dog even got
into it and made it psychotic. She showed me her "Mom's stash of hash!"
She caught her past boyfriend having sex with her mom in a bad place and
saw everything she had a total breakdown a blackout!

That was the last thing my girlfriend remembered because she blacked out!
Her defense mechanism turned off her brain so she could black it out!
She ended up walking all the way to her sisters middle school to get her

Her sister told me she walked all the way from home crying and by the time
she got to the school she had black eyeliner down her face she got in the gym
and was standing in the doorway breathing hard and looking bad.
She said it looked like the Carrie movie the prom part of the movie with the  
bucket of pig's blood. It was freaking out the kids in the gym.

My girlfriend I believe said out loud what she saw then collapsed on the floor 
in a fetal position. Her sister all of a sudden realized her older sister needed her 
so she had to take care of her. 

My girlfriend snapped back not knowing how she got there.
That was why I got into Psychology because of the brains defense mechanism.
So to say down the road it effected me also so I also needed her!

Her mom said she was smoking too much at the time and all she remembered
was her boyfriend asking her if he could have a piece of her hash!
And she said ok, then turned around and bent over to get the hash out
of the bottom drawer. And...

Her mom was smoking too much at
the time and didn't know what was going on. I was her first boyfriend after that and
I had to deal with her paranoia of her thinking I want her mom.
It didn't help that the little dog jumped in the shower with her mom and attacked her.
She ran naked through the house being chased by the dog with me and my girlfriend
sitting on the couch with me not being able to help it looking at her mom only to look
to my right to see my girlfriend staring me down. "I knew it!"

Even worse I think her mom said to her daughter after the chase
"Sweetie he does not want to have sex with me, now do you?" (Asked to me.)
I paused as it flashed in my mind her mom running around the house, naked.
My girlfriend was staring me down again and her mom shaking her head, 
(No, No, say No!) "Oh, no I don't sweetie!" I did, I was in love, but really 
I can't do something like that with my girlfriends history! 
I love my girlfriend and I can't do that to her!
But as it goes I ended up falling for her sister.
A soulmate meant to be, but I was too stupid to know at the time to keep her!
I am sorry and yes I love her also too timelessly!

*****My girlfriend in High school was a ex teen prostitute
a victim of human trafficking in Vegas when she was 13. 
I believe that she ran away and someone pimped her in Vegas 
only for her to be beaten up giving her a broken jaw, 
taken home and with a ding dong zoom here is
your daughter kind of thing she was dropped off at the front door.
Whoever did it are bastards even today!

I hooked up with her when she was 15 starting high school
I was 18 myself and way over my head with everything!
It was a emotional support type of relationship.
Like a shotgun wedding. Her dad told me they say 100's
of people got their hands on her and don't break up with her
she can't take rejection. I was her first boyfriend after all that mess!

Back in the 80's there was no cell phones, internet etc.
She she wanted me to take her to the Toys r us to get a coloring book.
That was what 15 year old's used back then! 
I took my girlfriend to a Toys r us! Buggers!!!!
I was glad she was my girlfriend!

A few years later I got a phone call from some health department
somewhere at 6 am keep in mind at the time I didn't get up until 11 am.
They let me know there was a guy that was with her tested positive
for AIDS and that I should be tested. I said what... ok... and went back
to bed only to wake up at 11 am not sure if that was a dream or not.
I never had sex with her so I was not worried I tested anyway
all was ok! And she is also ok today.

*****Back in the 80's I liked this girl I rode bikes with.
She was a tomboy because she got abducted and held for ransom.
So she toughened up. I tried to sneak her a kiss once and she upper handed 
me and my glasses flew off me and spun off my face. We thought it was funny

Unrelated but... In the 90's in my church youth group we where
catching a football at night with a new moon. I thought I caught
the ball but is slipped from my hands and hit me between the eyes,
breaking my glasses in half.

*****When I was 17 I had a young girlfriend as many does in the 80's.
At the time most of the girls where hostile because many girls had their
periods over lapping. So the boys not liking to be yelled at they got away 
from them. One kid said he was sad he broke up with his girlfriend.
And he said he was walking around the school and said a prayer and
when he opened his eyes he said a break in the clouds let out a beam
of light what shined on the middle schools name plate.
Light boom Middle schools are happy. 

He found himself a young girlfriend and took her to a track meet.
Where most of the boys in the bleachers noticed she was smiling ear to ear.
So the next day word got to the girls the High school kids where
interested being they had cars and a bit of money.

So the next day after school there was a mad dash to the middle school
fence. It was a meat market the boys where pairing off with the girls.
By the time I found out and took off running a kid in front of me got
there first. I got there and I looked from a long distance it was two special
needs kids. I was looking when I was awed by the girl looking at a tree
blowing in the wind. What a respect of nature she had!
She was somewhat blind and she had bird legs. The other girl was short
and fat. She noticed me and slapped the blind girl! What! 
I didn't want to go with her!

The blind girl couldn't see me she was moving her head back and forth
and the fat girl stopped her head at me and she saw me. 
I said "That was weird." and noticed the blind girl said what I said. 
So I said "Olly olly oxen free." and she repeated and both laughed.
I said "Can you read my lips" and she shook her head yes!
I was like far away and she could read my lips!

But being 17 thinking two special needs girls = one reg girlfriend.
No! they will make fun of me twice. Stupid thinking I had!!! 
I should of dated them because the value of life!

I said I will think about it. I ended up walking to the Q.T thinking about it. 
But ended up meeting a girl there. She had a big slushy.  She asked me 
"Are you interested in me?" ,  "Yes!" , "Do you have a car?" , "No!" , 
"WTF!" , "I have a motorcycle!" She jumped in the air and hugged me. 
Her slushy splat on my back and the bottom broke and the slushy went down 
my spine and as she was hugging me I hopped up and down, cold!!
The guy at the Q.T was laughing "Oh I see how it goes!" We made his day! 

We walked back to my motorcycle and took off we passed the park where
there was high school kids and middle school girls all talking together.
It looked bad! I knew they had to take cover, knowing it would just
take one parent to drive by to blow it up! My new girlfriend waved at 
her friend she said that was strange! 

After school we hung out riding my bike and I would take her back to
her moms apartment. One day I took her back home when her mom was
waiting there for us. She had a Mexican standoff with her mom.
But her mom won and it gave me a chill to hear my girlfriend say,
"Hi mommy!" Her mom told me to take off my helmet and as I did
I took a deep breath. I guess the fact I took out the foam in the helmet
so it could fit my head made my head look bigger, like a 30 year olds.
Her mom said in a Irish accent "How old are youuuuu!" and she started
to beat me up. It didn't hurt but she kept hitting my gut so I was trying
to say "I'm seven, I'm I seven, I'm seventeen!!!" She stopped and said
"Thank god I thought you where 30!" ,  "I said thanks!"

*****I fell for a girl I kept running into my near the final year in high school.
Where ever I went I would see her somewhere in the background.

I was going to talk to her to let her know I was interested in her after
graduation practice, but she had to leave during it.
Everyone looked at her go up the stairs as they where all in place where
they are supposed to be, all but her! I was in love!

So I ended up after graduation looking for her and found her.
We talked a bit and I found out she was going out of state for College.
So really to me at the time this was the last time I would see her, it hurt!

And to the fact that I got booted off going to a big college and I ended
up at a JR college. Most of that time my heart was thinking about her.
It was one of those things like the "Red string of fate" heart wise to me!

I was depressed about it. So there I was sitting in class at the JR college, thinking
about things depressed, I really was thinking about her at the time when she came
walking in and sat down in a class I was in.
She was going to the same college I was and we had the same class together!

We dated in college but when I told her I loved her it bounced like ping pong balls
off her. Again it was not was not recognized. It seems clear to me being how we met
but her thinking was not there!

So from that we started to date for a bit. I showed her how to drive, she had
too much fun and we ended up in a field in the country, I took the keys!
She was not 100% and that is ok I loved her for who she was!
She had a stroke when she was in high school so it did damage.

Her parents at the time had no plans for her, they didn't want her to drive,
they did not teach her anything. I pointed to her she needs to take care of her self
look into people before she trust them being they would see her as a easy target.
Background checks etc she needed to do.

To me that also pointed to why she did not get to a big college.
Not being 100% was not all it but her parents seemed to me to
be dumping her! Letting her fail so she could learn herself!

She went on her way after her time in college and I lost track of her.
But I met her again when I worked at a hotel. She was at a function at the hotel
I was working. I talked to her told her my heart was still there, but still.
I found out she is moving to Chicago, and she still did not see me as
more that what I was!

But we went out one more time. I took her to dinner, then took her home.
This was a depressing day for me, being the heart string was still there and now.

That day I could not take off the day from work to go on a date all day.
I worked at a hotel and it was a big thing they had going on.

When I got there I found out it was a banquet with a famous lady actress from the 80's
I liked to watch. The show was about an Angel that lived in the closet, that would
come out to help a boy deal with things.

Sort of fitting! She was doing the motivational speaking thing there.
During her thing she came up to me and wanted to get my coffee pot so she could
run around to serve coffee to people, being motivational.
I quickly showed her how to do it safely without getting hot coffee on someone.
She later told me I was the first one that let her do it! Thanks she said.

*****I met my old lady when she was 57 in 2003 she is 25 years older than I am.
I met her kids before I met her. Didn't know till later. Also to the fact she also
worked in Vinita Oklahoma in 1985 relating to my red string of fate of soul mates
issues! http://walmartramen.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-red-string-of-fate.html
She brought me in the town I live in now first where I then met my other love...

*****My next girlfriend I met working at Walmart. But I also met her before
I met her. I passed her in her GEO in 1989 on the highway under the Vinita
McDonald's. Her car full of junk and her kids and her with her long hair with 
sunglasses on got me back then! We ended up working together and also 
during dinner we ate in the car where we both watched my other love in
the parking lot of Walmart before I met her...

*****And I also love a married Gypsy lady I crossed paths with or to say have a
red string of fate with. I met her in the Vinita McDonald's back in 2006.
It was love at first sight... Accordingly is all I am going to say. She never knew that!
I was with my friend heading for St Louis. Looking out the Arch I was looking for 
the town I met her at. I wanted to go back! Going back I looked for at McDonald's
I even knocked on the door of the lady's bathroom before I went in looking for her.
It was that bad! I ended up meeting her in the Walmart parking lot and she
also accidentally ran me over in her car. Where I got on my knees being my foot
hurt being she ran over it so I put it on the cold ground. She saw me on my knees
and thought she killed me. She was scared but I was patting my heart at her 
begging her to come back. She smiled like a hyena sweet! But she made a right turn
with me wanting a U-turn. 

Still love her and my heart is there as I am ok with everything. Want to date her 
knowing that makes her a better person.
Happy landings makes happy takeoffs.

She almost ran me over in a park only to run me over with her
ALPHA down the road. The bulldozing... I melted, wanted to kiss her bad,
I still do! Bulldozing is claiming there is a reason for it!

The point of all this? The point it might not of been what I needed but
I love everyone timelessly! Polyamory? Yes I am, I learned from all my past!

I don't look at my past relationships as anything bad in my life.
Love can tear you up and spit you out in pieces if you
don't look in the Mirror and know who to trust and know
you survived it all in your past!

Also sometimes both parties need to Zen out!

~If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something
about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable,
then there is no help in worrying.
There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever. (Dalai Lama)

~The ultimate way is without difficulty; those who
seek it make their own hardship. The true mind is originally
pure; those who exercise it make their own defilment. (Hui-K'ung)

~All things are free-flowing, untrammeled, what bondage is there,
what entanglement? You create your own difficulty and ease therein.
The mind source pervades the ten directions with one continuity; those
of the most excellent faculties understand naturally. (Tzu-hu)

So the point is to say trust yourself and love, being a lover is worth it!
to the point of being inflammatory about it. Why be fake?
In past terms, my significant others had doubts, fears.
At the time I had the same, and of course in the end we asked
"Why don't you stay?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzITtgj4PVU
as we both are apart. Like both parties sitting in their own box separate,
far, far away. Why?! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tz-KVQZviKc

As in if you are driving the old lady crazy, be real about it.
If she is too old for that shit, or would be in disaster if you cut her out
of your life, then don't! My old lady is really a old lady 25 years older
than I am. It's about balance! She needs something, you fix it,
but knowing she's your old lady so if it didn't work like the last two times,
let it go. Life is too short to hate your EX being if her life span is short
under 10 years to go, what time is there to hate?
"Oh, no. She's not my wife, she's just old lady!"

So from that pit my best view is to never take life serious.
Life is not serious it will run you over it doesn't care otherwise.

What you have in your life makes you happy and things only get better.
Your job is just a job it really does not make you happy.
You can change it but 10 years from now it will be the same
thing you are running away from.

Also if wanted you will have to follow, like A New Day!
And know things only get better.
If not to follow, at least it's known you will! Because they would be worth it!
And im not kidding you! If the partner is worth it, it comes easy to follow!

*Significant others are called that because they are significant!
Or (y) makes (x) the other significant! Vice versa.
(To be good for the other person and that is what matters, the balance!)

That is my tip to others in limbo, like I have been before!
I have more to say but I can't but you get the point.
We all get that from time to time! It will be ok. Learn from it!

In the hotel business I earned my way to a $1.5 million dead peasant insurance
policy on me. I found out because HR talked to me. Wanting to know if I was
worth it being the money they where spending on me. My co-workers called me
Dead man walking! Like the boss would kill me and take the money!
But I have a protected destiny so really I was ok!

I had hard times with my life experiences, as in my dad! In the late 90's me and
my college friends would go out on the weekend one night as I was heading out
I noticed my dad was sitting in his chair eating dinner but he looked green!
I wasn't sure if it was really bad or not. I thought he was just tired exhausted,
not felling good, he will get some rest and feel better, so I went out with my friends.
This was before I had a cell phone. When I got back to the house at 1am.
I found all the lights on and in my dads bathroom was a mess of vomit, blood etc.
Not good I knew something happened and about that time the home phone rang.
It was my sis letting me know what happened they are at the hospital. So off I went.

It turned out my dad was in bad shape, it did a lot of damage but he made it.
He hung on for a long time with my mom and us taking care of him, in time he passed
away and that was ok as his quality of life was really bad for such a man.
He needed peace! He was a oil engineer and came up with a lot of bind blowing stuff.
So this was hard for him and us kids also.

Years later I was watching the Democratic convention on TV and ex president Clinton
was talking. But I noticed he looked green!
So I ran to TV to TV seeing if it was the color on the TV and called a friend asked
if he noticed how green he looked. He said yep green, so I really ended up calling the
FBI at the time. I didn't know who to call about that. I let them know I was real and not
a threat and told them that my dad looked like that before and what happened,
and they might want to get a DR to Clinton to check him out.
You might loose him!

And I guess they did as he is here today. I learned that green look from my dad
and from that in my past saw Clinton like my dad green and that was not good!
So in your life you take a beating and you get more rounded!

And have a lust for life!

Other roads?